I went and visited my cousin yesterday at Children's Hospital here in Cincinnati, and was greeted with a huge hug although I haven't seen Matt in a couple of years, and never have met Rowan until yesterday. This is not how I wanted or planned to meet his little boy.. In a hospital bed, and helpless... that's not what I wanted to see, and all I could think of were my own boys back at home. Matt & and I talked about life, about being children, and about our own children. We talked about how cruel the world is, and how corrupt most people are. Almost like I'd been seeing him and speaking to him daily, that's exactly how it felt. The love our families share never disappers, no matter how long you go without talking or seeing one another.
I rubbed Rowans' head, and we watched Yo Gabba Gabba and Fresh Beat Band, and it was a sweet but bitter hour or so that I spent there. It angers me to look down and look into a scared, innocent child's eyes and know he did nothing to deserve the pain he is in, but at the same time I was just so thankful he was OK, looked comfortable, and that I was spending time with him. It was long overdue.
Rowan was scared, and you could tell. I looked in those big blue eye's and saw Xavier, my oldest. And although I held my own while there, I didn't do so well once I left. No child, should be in a hospital bed, helpless. I'm just so proud of my cousin for being the strong daddy he has to be right now for his son. I don't think I could handle it nearly as well as Matt is able to, and I guess it's because he has to.
Xavier was with his dad yesterday, and when I got home I called to tell his dad to please give him a kiss and that we are so lucky. That everything bad that has happened to me in my life is so small compared to what Matt & Rowan are currently going through. Xavier busted his head open a couple years ago, and I remember thinking he was dying. There was so much blood, and as I ran him into the emergency room thinking the worst and being a total wreck, the nurses didn't seem to take it nearly as serious as me! I remember feeling a bit angry, Why are they not as scared as me? After a lot of crying from myself & Xavier both, and a couple of stitches later... he was back to normal. The doctor told me as she laughed "he is a boy, and we will be seeing you again. Head injuries always look worst than they are." I told Xavier's dad yesterday I'd rather relive that day (the worst day of my life) a hundred times versus going through what Matt is and hearing that my child has cancer. I am so proud of Matt, and so proud of little Rowan.
I got a tear filled phone call last night from my mother saying that Rowan took a turn for the worst and was now placed in ICU. I held in the tears all day long, and finally they started pouring out and I couldn't stop. I cried as I listened, and listened as I cried. I don't remember what I even said to her. I just remember hanging up and my husband hugging me as the tears flowed. I remember asking "why" and repeating "he doesn't deserve this" over and over.
Apparently, little Rowan had internal bleeding, and it was serious. They almost had to perform an emergency surgery to clamp it. Matt's parents, as well as the mother's were there during this heartbreaking moment. Although they don't get a long what so ever, they joined together, went to the chapel, held hands, and prayed together. Miracuously, the internal bleeding stopped on it's own, so no surgery was needed, yet. I pray it stays this way. Baby Rowan is still currently in ICU and all I can hope for is that he can get through this, as pain free as possible. Matt was telling me the goal is to make it to mid summer with chemo treatments to shrink the tumor in Rowan's liver, and then to have surgery. By Halloween, we are hoping he is out trick or treating like a normal little boy. His cancer is at a stage 3 early stage 4 right now. I pray, and that's all I can do.
I picked up Xavier from his dad this morning at a very early 6AM. He handed him to me, and I hugged him as tight as possible and started bawling. I am so thankful for his health, for Trent's health (my youngest). I repeated "I love you so much" a couple of times while he just said "I want in my carseat" not even realizing I was crying. Sigh. Thank you God for my children and my husband.
Family sticks together. Family is there when you fall at your weakest. Family loves you no matter what. Family is true love. Family will always be by your side.
Matt and I have both grown up, and we live our own lives. We don't speak every day, he hasn't even met my youngest and hasn't seen my oldest in two years. Matt knows I'd be there in a drop of a hat if he needed me though. Matt knows I love him, and Rowan so much.
Rowan and his favorite Winnie the Pooh Bear.
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